A birthday is a special occasion for any child. But their siblings, especially younger siblings, may feel left out or jealous on their sibling’s special day.
Dr. Stacy Sue Rosello, who runs the South Hills -based occupational therapy private practice Embrace the Child, shares her tips for managing siblings’ expectations on birthdays.
Why do you think it’s so common for younger siblings to feel jealous or left out when it’s their sibling’s birthday?
It may be hard for them to understand because they may not be at the point where concepts like sharing, perspective-taking and even the sense of time (e.g. “waiting until it’s their birthday”) are well established. Understanding of those concepts really develops in the later preschool years and solidifies more at an early elementary age.
What are some ways parents can help younger siblings feel included and involved when it’s their sibling’s birthday?
It’s about presence, not presents. As an occupational therapist, I try to look at what families can do with their children to help them better understand that a birthday celebration can be joyful for the entire family. Parents may include their child/ren in the [party-planning] process. They can help bake the cake, decorate the party room, make a handmade drawing or gift, wrap presents or help bring them in. I encourage families to think of what the whole family can do together to really celebrate the birthday child.
Some people recommend giving the younger child a small gift on their sibling’s birthday so they feel included. As a therapist, do you think this is a solution to the problem?
I’m not opposed to a small gift. There may be party favors that are appealing. But that doesn’t get to the root of the issue, which is helping your child learn to feel safe with strong emotions and model ways to celebrate as a family. You can’t predict if a child will feel jealous or upset every year, but we want to help them become more resilient. It’s more about holding their emotions and doing things together [rather than giving them presents].
If parents do all these things to include their younger child and the child still feels left out, how can parents help them through those feelings?
If there are strong emotions, it’s important to help parents understand that all feelings are OK. It’s alright to feel disappointed or frustrated [if you feel left out], because that’s part of life. What we really want is for a caregiver to slow down, understand and validate those feelings. In the long term, it’s a lot more beneficial for growth and development. Kids learn to be OK with feeling discomfort and feel safe and loved even when those strong emotions come up to the surface when parents pause and connect in these moments. I encourage parents to be there, to be present in [all things, including] the preparations, during the party and in any sort of upset that might happen.
There’s also many great books that parents can use to connect with their kids. Sharing books and stories about experiences can help the children understand and process their feelings. When a child is developmentally ready, story time can be an open opportunity to discuss what might happen if a child feels envious or anticipates being left out. If everyone is calm, planning can help create shared solutions for the celebration.
Parenting is hard work, and every child is different, which requires families to adapt to each of their needs and understand who they are through many family life scenarios. Giving love, offering compassion and gently disciplining are opportunities for learning for both children and parents, even through tough times. Togetherness as a family during special occasions like birthdays has potential to make extraordinary memories that may well hold in their hearts for a lifetime.
As owner of Embrace the Child®, Ltd., Dr. Rosello serves the Pittsburgh community with heartfelt kindness and distinction in family-centered practice, sensory integration and DIR/Floortime, a developmental, relationship-based model. She is an expert clinician, author, blogger, instructor and a recipient of The American Occupational Therapy Association’s Emerging and Innovative Practice Award — “Defining Excellence and Leadership in Family-Centered Practice.” As a leader in her field, her groundbreaking theory, The Science of Family Occupations, provides a lens into meaningful family activities, guiding the OT profession to embrace all families and their unique family lives.
