Imagine that your kid comes home and heads to the pantry for a snack. Does this seem like a major parenting achievement? For you, maybe not. But for me as a single foster father, it can be. That’s because many foster children come from traumatic backgrounds and experience food insecurity from a young age. When they’re first placed in my home, these kids tend to hoard food. In the past, they could never count on it being available.
As they relax into my household, however, these wounds start to heal. In time, they stop feeling the need to squirrel food away for later. The day they come home and walk to the pantry to get a snack, I experience a tremendous feeling of accomplishment. In that small gesture, they show me how much they have recovered from their difficult past.
While single foster fathers like me might not fit the conventional stereotype of the ideal parent, we can have an enormous positive impact on kids.
Different families are still good families
When I first became a single foster father, it didn’t occur to me that I was doing anything surprising. I just wanted to be like the man who rescued me from the streets. I had been homeless for years before he gained my trust, took me in, and helped set me on the path to healing. In the process, he taught me who I am and turned my whole life around.
When I began training to become a foster parent myself, however, I soon discovered that other people considered me to be unusual. Many were shocked. They had never seen someone choose to enter foster parenting solo, much less a single man. Even today, when I’m out with my kids, people often ask, “Is your wife coming, too?” I’ve gotten into the habit of saying, “No, I’m here by myself.”
In consequence, it has become important for me to break down stereotypes and change the narrative about single foster dads. Families can look different and still be good families. Men can be tender, sensitive, and caring. We can be present with children and tend to their needs around the clock. Why shouldn’t dads take equal responsibility for their kids as moms? I’d like to challenge men to step up in their families and play the role of leading as a servant in their homes.
The shortage of foster parents
The United States is currently suffering from a critical shortage of foster parents. Demand far outstrips the number of homes available. There have even been reports of children being housed in juvenile detention centers, office space, and medical facilities. Some children have been sent out of state to secure a bed.
Meanwhile, the number of foster families is dropping in many states. The Foster Care Institute conducted a survey to find out why foster parents were quitting, and the top answer was a lack of support. Caseworkers are also overworked and underpaid, leading them to leave the profession.
More and more kids are falling through the cracks in this underfunded, broken system. We need all the foster parents we can get, and that means welcoming single foster fathers as well as mothers. Personally, I currently have six children, including a toddler, three kids in elementary school, and two teenagers (one who’s almost 20 years old, and one who’s 16). That’s six kids who might otherwise not have a bed.
The positive impact that foster parents make goes far beyond providing shelter, however.
The difference foster parents make
Many children who need foster homes have been through traumatic experiences. According to the US Department of Health and Human Services, about 90 percent of foster kids have been exposed to trauma.
Some kids who have come into my care had been sleeping in a car or moving constantly. Since changing schools, houses, and situations is disruptive to a child’s life, they had never been able to get comfortable or settle down. Some had been mistreated, abused, or neglected.
As a foster parent, I love my children unconditionally, giving them the opportunity to experience a healthy living situation and heal their trauma. Entering a stable foster family stops the turmoil, minimizes their hardship, and gives them a sense of belonging. It naturally takes a while for kids who have been through uncertainty and chaos to relax. Time is necessary to build trust. The longer they can stay at a single location, the better. That’s why my main goal is to be my kids’ dad for the entire time they are in care.
The most successful foster parents are willing to adapt as circumstances change and accept a child exactly as they are. If the child’s biological parents are alive, they also enter into a relationship with these former caregivers without judgment. One of the most important things a foster parent can do is facilitate children’s reunification with their biological parents and send them back home.
We foster parents make long-term commitments to our kids. I love staying in contact with mine even after they have aged out of my home. Seeing them grow up and thrive in adulthood is one of my proudest achievements.
The greatest role in life
Foster parents have an enduring, positive impact on the lives of at-risk youth, but being a foster parent has given me many benefits in return. In addition to providing these kids with a safe home, I get to see them learn that what’s in our home is theirs. I get to see them develop confidence that their dad will provide for their needs. I get to see them realize everything’s going to be okay.
As a foster parent, seeing the visible signs of healing is the most amazing, heart-warming thing. Moments that might seem small to someone else — like watching a child go to the kitchen to get a snack — demonstrate that our home is a loving, healing place.
My “foster dad” taught me how to look for the best in others, and now I get to do that for vulnerable children. Being a single foster father is the greatest role I could possibly play in life. More single dads should consider this path, and our society should encourage them.
— Peter Mutabazi is an entrepreneur, an international advocate for children, and the founder of Now I Am Known, a corporation that supplies resources that encourage and affirm children. A single father of two and foster dad to many, Mutabazi is a former street kid who has worked for World Vision, Compassion International, and the Red Cross and has appeared on media outlets such as the BBC and the TODAY show. A passionate and popular speaker, he currently lives in Charlotte, North Carolina.
