Burnout. A term I have heard throughout my career in education, but a term that also translates across industries, and certainly a term that can be used to describe parents—especially moms who are the default parent. Working with my therapist over the last several years, the concept of “Mother’s Mental Load” has come up more than once. Talking amongst my mom friends, I know I am not the only one who experiences this. If you’re a mom and you are reading this, perhaps you can relate. To me, Mother’s Mental Load is permission slips signed, lunches packed, doctor’s appointments made, carpool schedules created, dog groomers, laundry, meal planning, yearbook ordering … and the list goes on. Add part-time or full-time work to mom’s load? Beware of burnout.
Recognizing the Signs of Burnout
Manuela St. Jean, a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), is a Pittsburgh-based therapist, a wife and mother to two young children: Carmen (9) and Micah (7). As a therapist, St. Jean has extensive experience supporting her adult clients with navigating depression, anxiety and issues related to self-identity. She describes parent burnout as the emotional, physical and mental exhaustion that comes from continuously giving without taking enough time to care for oneself and recharge. “A parent can go through the motions without fully engaging in their child’s needs or daily activities,” St. Jean warns. Some common signs that she has seen in her clients are that they may become irritable or become easily overwhelmed by everyday tasks. They may also struggle to keep track of schedules, forgetting appointments and commitments. Over time, this can evolve into deeper emotional fatigue and a sense of inadequacy.
One major stressor that contributes to parent burnout is the overwhelming desire to provide the best experiences and opportunities for children. St. Jean cautions that this can lead to parents running themselves ragged by filling up their schedules with activities for their kids while neglecting their own needs. As a mom, I can share firsthand that managing my children’s activities, school demands and maintenance of our household is a lot of work in and of itself, and that does not include my 40-plus hours per week career. Although I have a supportive partner in my husband, I am the default parent who carries the mental load for our family, and this can feel daunting. “The expectations of being everything to everyone [leaves] little space for parents to care for themselves, especially mothers,” St. Jean shares.
And then there are unique challenges that parents from certain backgrounds encounter when dealing with burnout. “For Black parents,” St. Jean notes, “the societal expectation of always having to work harder to be seen as ‘good enough’ can be exhausting. This pressure often extends to our children, pushing them to exceed expectations and avoid mediocrity.” As a result, there is added mental labor invested in children’s extracurriculars, academics and overall development to ensure they have every opportunity for success. The desire to do better than the previous generation is often deeply ingrained in families from historically underserved backgrounds. Parents feel a responsibility to provide more opportunities for success than they themselves experienced. Unfortunately, this can lead to exhaustion.
How To Avoid It
St. Jean advises parents to carve out intentional time for oneself, even if just a few moments each day. “Personally, I find that starting my day with a few quiet minutes to center myself, followed by a brief rest in the evening, helps me maintain balance,” she shares. A regular self-care practice not only benefits the parent but also teaches children the importance of nurturing their own well-being. Incorporating daily rituals like journaling, deep breathing or even enjoying a quiet cup of coffee is one of St. Jean’s recommendations.
St. Jean also suggests modeling healthy behaviors for children. Parents can verbally express their needs by sharing that Mommy needs some time alone to read, Mommy needs to watch her show or Mommy is going to take a bath, etc. This sets a positive example for children about the importance of self-care. The St. Jean family uses one hour of quiet time in their house, which is a designated period for everyone to engage in calming, individual activities.
“This not only promotes self-care but also helps my kids to learn to appreciate moments of solitude,” she explains.
As my 4-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter have become older, my husband and I have ensured that they each take responsibility for maintaining clean bedrooms, work together to clean up their shared play areas, always clean up after themselves after dinner and help take care of our two dogs. This helps lighten the load for us as parents but also teaches our kids that our family is a team. We all have something to contribute to keep our busy lifestyle going.
As a final word of advice, Manuela St. Jean notes that self-care is not selfish—it is essential. “Parents often feel guilty for taking time for themselves, but it’s crucial to understand that you cannot pour from an empty cup,” she states. “Spending time with friends, engaging in activities you enjoy and allowing yourself moments of rest are not signs of neglecting your children. This is key to being a more present and emotionally available parent.”
Prioritizing your well-being isn’t just beneficial for you—it is a gift to your children.
Carrie Woodard is a National Certified Counselor, National Certified School Counselor
and a Pittsburgh mama of two.
