It’s a difficult conversation that many adoptive parents dread, but it doesn’t have to be. For National Adoption Month, we spoke with Erika Schmitt, director of counseling and family support services at The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh, to learn how parents can best approach this meaningful conversation.
This interview was edited for length and clarity.
Let’s get the obvious question out of the way first. What’s the appropriate age to tell a child that they’re adopted?
All the research has shown, and any adoption therapist will tell you, that parents should be talking to the child about it from the time they are born. You can use books. Be sure to use appropriate language around adoption so your child becomes comfortable with it.
With that in mind, why might some parents not want to tell their child they’re adopted until they’re older?
I think there’s several reasons, one of which being that it feels scary. They don’t want their child to resent them, have negative feelings towards them or have negative feelings towards adoption.
Another thing we often see is that some families who have gone through fertility loss before turning to adoption … they want to be a “typical family” and just enjoy being parents. Some people may not want to disclose how they grew their family.
What are some ways parents can make the subject easier to approach, especially for younger kids?
There’s really good books on adoption and how families come about in different ways. Some families have one mom, one dad, two moms or two dads. The more you can show a child that all different kinds of families exist, the more comfortable they’ll be with their own origins, because there’s so many different ways to be a family.
What are some common questions kids might have upon learning they’re adopted? How can parents prepare for those questions?
Kids might want to understand why they chose adoption and why their birth parents chose to put them up for adoption. If adoptive parents know that information, it’s important that they share it so kids don’t feel like they were being rejected. There is always a reason why a parent can’t care for their child and chooses adoption, and usually it’s for caring, unselfish reasons.
Some people put their children up to adoption for reasons that can be difficult to explain to a child (i.e. addiction). What’s the best way to discuss that with a child?
Give young children the amount of information they need. For very young kids, saying “Your birth mom and dad were not in a place where they could take care of you and give you the things a kid needs” can be enough. You don’t need to go into detail until your child gets older. When your child is old enough to ask about those things, you can go into more detail in an appropriate way. But I always say you don’t need to explain everything at once. Give them a little information, and they will ask if and when they want more.
