Life is hard, and it often gets even harder when kids enter into the mix. Two Pittsburgh area families faced tough challenges, including sharing custody, balancing busy schedules with work and extracurriculars and even a major health scare. Through it all, they’ve learned some precious life lessons to share with fellow parents. Here are some of their key takeaways.
Don’t Wish Time Away
Courtney and Bob Durante have two children, Mason (12) and Lilli (10). The family, who lives in Irwin, has quite the busy schedule. Bob owns his own business, Lilli is a cheerleader and Mason acts with Westmoreland Performing Arts. In addition to working full time, Courtney runs her nonprofit, Costumes for Courage.
When Lilli was just 5, she woke up one day and her eyes were crossed. After testing, it was discovered that Lilli had a benign tumor that went from behind her eye to the back of her brain. Although the tumor was not cancerous, if left untreated, Lilli could have lost her vision.
“Lilli did 52 chemotherapy treatments, one a week for an entire year,” Courtney says.
After struggling with Lilli’s diagnosis, the family learned how precious their time together really was. “Being in the moment is huge to me,” Courtney shares.
Katie Ramler, of Export, agrees with the importance of being in the moment and making the most of your time together.
Katie and her husband, Jeremy, have been married for five years and have two children, Estella, (4) and Albie (19 months). Katie’s oldest son, Liam, is 12; they share custody with Liam’s biological father and his stepmother.
“Leverage the time you have to make it work for you and your family the best way you can,” Katie suggests to parents.
Katie is a Licensed Practical Nurse (LPN) and agency nurse; Jeremy is a supervisor for a materials distributor. Their work schedules have proven effective. (Because Katie works through a staffing agency, she’s able to pick and choose the days she works.)
Another way they make it work is by accepting help from family and friends. Katie is very close with her mother, Cheryle, who lives with them.
“I always wanted a multi-generational household,” Katie says. “Which is something
you don’t see a lot of as a nurse going into people’s homes on a regular basis.”
In addition to being a support system and positive role model, her mother helps
with activities, like sixth grader Liam’s soccer practice and games. Katie has two older siblings, Kelly and Sam, and her husband Jeremy’s family. “I don’t know what we would do without the village we have,” Katie says. “There would be a lot less joy.”
She stresses that she isn’t a fan of the phrase “empty nesters.”
“Focus on being ‘full nesters’ and make a conscious effort to enjoy every day,” she urges. “You can’t be present if you’re worrying about all of these other things and time is stolen.”
“Comparison Is a Thief of Joy”
“No one has it all together,” Courtney says. Her advice to parents: “Don’t compare yourself or your kids.”
Thanks, in part, to social media, a plethora of parenting groups are out there. It can be very overwhelming, especially for new parents who aren’t sure what to believe.
Katie was 20 years old and in college when she had Liam; she was 28 when Estella was born. She says she felt more confident as a first-time mom. “A lot of it has to do with my age and my lack of awareness of the world around me,” she says.
Nowadays, there is so much information out there. It can be easy for parents to compare themselves to others. Although it’s great to seek advice, new moms and dads should trust their gut and know that no two families are alike. What works best for one child may not work for another.
“Ignore the noise, do your research and do what works best for you,” Katie advises.
“[Having had] a lot of time with parenting, there is no timeline. There is no one way. Things will naturally fall into place the way they are supposed to be.”
Be confident in the choices you make as a parent to ensure your child is safe, healthy and loved,” she adds. “At the end of the day, those are the only things that truly matter.
Comparison is a thief of joy.”
Find the Positive
When your child is struggling, talking it out with them can be a significant life lesson. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately one in six children ages 2 to 8 have a diagnosed mental, behavioral or developmental disorder.
However, children who have positive mental health are able to display signs of affection, resilience, curiosity, self-control and persistence.
“When things get hard—your child is having a difficult time at school or bickering with their friends—turn those into positive experiences,” Courtney says. “Your feelings and reactions are going to be projected onto your children; it applies to everything.”
Courtney gives the example that her son, Mason, gets a poor grade for not turning in a homework assignment on time. Instead of disciplining him, Courtney says she takes a positive approach. “We’ll say, ‘Let’s talk about what happened. Let’s not do that again.’”
The positive parenting approach is supported by the National Institute of Health, and according to the Talking Parent website, positive parenting “makes children happier, more optimistic and more intrinsically motivated to choose the behaviors that parents prefer.”
And it’s beneficial for moms and dads, too. Parents are more likely to have receptive and consistent interactions with their children.
Both Katie and Courtney do their part to add positivity into their lives.
In October, Katie trademarked her own brand, DoGood, and sells eco-friendly products like scented foaming soap tablets in biodegradable paper. “It’s just little things that you can do to make a difference,” she says.
Courtney realized what an impact she could make creating costumes for children undergoing hospital stays.
Her daughter, Lilli, wore a yellow Belle dress from “Beauty and the Beast” to her first chemotherapy appointment. Because she received such a positive response from the doctors and nurses, Lilli wanted to wear a different dress the following week. “Lilli wore a different outfit every week for the entire year,” Courtney says.
Since starting her nonprofit, Costumes for Courage, Courtney’s sent more than 1,500 costumes to children in all 48 contiguous states and seven countries. New capes, crowns and books are also accepted for pediatric patients with major health diagnoses and their siblings. (Because of health concerns, Costumes for Courage only accepts new dresses and outfits for patients.)
Advice From a Counselor
Rest, Mama, Rest!
“New parents are often offered the advice that they should ‘sleep when the baby sleeps’ and that other responsibilities can wait. To some, it may feel dismissive and does not honor all of the obligations,” says Licensed Professional Counselor Lauren Hartz. “But this advice is important when we consider something called the ‘window of tolerance.’”
Hartz describes the “window of tolerance” as the emotional state from which a person can function most effectively.
“When a person gets outside of that optimal emotional state, then they can go into hyper- or hypo-arousal. In a state of hyperarousal, a person will feel emotionally activated and may notice anger, agitation, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed. To try to do anything well from that emotional state is really difficult. In a state of hypo-arousal, a person can notice sadness, depressive symptoms and low energy,” says Hartz, who shares two sons, Landon, (14) and Jordan (11) with her husband, Jeremy.
Hartz is the owner of Rooted & Rising Therapy LLC and the co-owner of Core Connections, which offers online skills-based workshops for teens and parents.
According to Hartz, it’s important for parents to be aware of what it looks like when they are in their window of tolerance, since we tend to be more present and focused at that time.
“For some, sitting in a quiet room rocking the baby may be a wonderful opportunity to feel grounded, and others may find that reading a chapter of a book helps,” she suggests.
“Getting rest, adequate nutrition and staying hydrated are important ways for everyone to move towards their window of tolerance, so even though you may not get as much as you need, every bit helps.”
Rest and routine can help remind your body what it feels like to be emotionally regulated. “Your ability to connect with your loved ones, communicate and make decisions will be much better from this emotional state, and you and your baby will be better off,” Hartz says.
Leslie Savisky is an award-winning author and freelance writer. Savisky lives in
southwestern PA with her husband and daughter.
